The Secret Diary of Visser One
by Traycon 3 and Fishey Me
Summary: This is a story to go along with Visser Three's Diary. It has the same events, just from Visser One's point of view.
1. Chapter 1

The Secret Diary of Visser One

by traycon3 only.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Animorphs, Visser One, or any of the characters in this story, except for Jornat. Ellie and the whole idea, plus most of the story, are Sinister Shadow's, but she's allowing me to write a "sister story" to Visser Three's Diary. So, thanks again!

**Chapter 1: Why must I endure this?**

Entry 1:

June Twenty-Ninth

I love Councilor Eight dearly. Though I must admit, I wasn't expecting to get this at my last birthday. However, he gave it to me and since I took the time to actually dig this thing out, I figure I might as well use it. After all, it's a perfectly good journal. Or diary, if you're one of those pathetic morons.

Oh, a bomb has just, mysteriously, gone off in the room next door. It seems Visser Three has found my little surprise.

You see, it's the freakin' dapsen's birthday today, so I figured I'd give him a nice oatmeal pie. I just…forgot to have my personal assistant tell him about the bomb. Silly me. I do hope he enjoyed my little note. You know, the one that said: "Have a nice day, Esplin (You know I'm being sarcastic, you big doaf)! From your old friend (see previous parenthesis), Visser One"

Speaking of Visser Three, I should really go pay him a visit.

I calmly walked into his room. (Sometimes it's nice having a councilor as your boy-toy.) Glancing over his shoulder, I read: "They know I'll eat anything. They wouldn't want me getting fat, would they? All tough and muscular..."

I grinned. "All tough and muscular my—"

He turned round. ( What are YOU doing here! ) He demanded. ( Were you reading my diary? )

"Why not?" I replied. "The Gold Bands were driving me up the freakin' wall!"

I was about to add a comment about him having a diary when his idiotic personal assistant came bounding in with a trumpet. When he blew on it a horrid, not to mention off key, sound came out. I was surprised that I didn't go deaf after that.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Visser!" he yelled in a crazy voice.

"Did you eat too many cornflakes?" I inquired.

"NO!"

"Oatmeal, then?"

"UH-UH."

"How about chocolate?"

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesss..." the idiot replied, beginning to drool.

"Good MORNIIIIIIIIIIING... Visser THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Iniss started signing in a retarded, yet strangely diabolical way.

I plugged my ears. "Oh SHUT THE HELL UP, you dapsen!" I screamed.

( Oh by the way, Iniss... ) Visser Three said. ( It's the evening. )

He gasped, "Good EEEEEEEEVENIIIIIIIING... Visser THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Argh." I said.

It was a wonder Visser Three didn't go mad. Oh, wait, he already is.

Anyway, his idiotic PA then started to sing that annoying childish song. It was bad enough when I was forced to put up with it when Eva, the host I use mostly for trips to Earth, decided her spawn Marco needed to learn it.

I'm sure you know the song. Oh, wait, you're a journal. However, if anyone ever actually got a hold of this and read it—which would cause imminent death—they would know the song instantly.

"If you're HAPPY and you know it, clap your HANDS! HEY!"

No one clapped. I suppose it was to be expected; I would get slightly worried if Esplin actually started.

This, however, didn't stop Iniss. He clapped loudly, probably making up for the lack of enthusiasm from his two superiors.

"If you're HAPPY and you know it, STOMP YOUR FEET!"

I resisted snorting at the glare Visser Three shot his PA.

"... OR HOOVES!" Iniss practically screamed, making up for his mistake. He stomped his feet.

"Oye!" I yelled, smacking myself on the forehead. "Make it stop!"

"IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT SWING YOUR—"

That was it. I could stand it no longer. I grabbed the nearest object and hit the dapsen upside the head.

I repeatedly hit him with the object—a very nice metal pole—until he ran screaming from the room.

Naturally, I chased him down.

( One… ) I heard the dapsen say to himself as I drew my Dracon Beam. ( Two…Three )

As much as I didn't want to allow Visser Three the pleasure of being right, his PA need to die more. So, I shot him.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." Iniss moaned in pain, "Oomph!"

( Knew it, ) Visser Three said to no one.

I rolled my eyes, watching as he came out with his camera and handcuffs. I did hope he knew human CPR, because my host skipped her training.

Until I find it necessary to record daily events, I bid thee adu.

Edriss 562

A/N: Hope you enjoyed my first chapter! Please read and review!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own it. As much as I want to, I don't. However, I do own Visser One's P.A., who you shall see in this chapter. Enjoy!

A/N: THANKS TO ALL MY REVIEWERS! I'm glad you like it so much. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

**Blind…Date..?**

He is so dead! That frickin' dapsen is so dead! And, no, for once, I'm not talking about Visser Three. I'm taking about Visser Three _and _my P.A.

Ha, fooled you.

You, the person who's broken into my room and are reading my _personal _diary, are probably wondering why I want to kill my P.A.

It all started this afternoon.

I was reading a human book Lord of the Flies, god knows why, when a loud, mid-ranged female voice greeted me.

"Visser One! Visser One! Are you going!"

A mop of hot pink hair greeted me as my P.A. thrust himself onto my desk. "Are you?"

"Going to what?" I replied.

He reached into his host's pocket and withdrew an invitation. "This! The Human Culture Fest, remember?"

"Oh, that. I wasn't planning on it. Why?" I raised any eyebrow at him.

"Well, as a woman," he indicated his human host at this comment, "I know when you need to go and…get laid." I snorted, looking at his host. She was sixteen, at best. Obviously was Borat loosing touch with reality.

"Any other reason?"

"Well…I heard from Promi, who heard from Elri, who heard from—"

"—Just get to the point!" I snapped, not in the mood to hear the _entire_ list of Empire low rankers.

"Oh, well, Iniss asked you to go out on a blind date, didn't he?"

I sighed. "Yes, he did. Why?"

"Well, are you going!" he practically screeched at me.

"I may."

--Page Break--

So, this is how I ended up sitting and waiting for Visser Three to show up.

Oh, come on. Don't tell me you honestly think I'm that stupid. Just because I'm a female, does _not _mean I'm an idiot.

Anyway, the time came and passed and still that dapsen did not show. I was seriously beginning to wonder why I had come. Ah, well. I observed a man who sat down two tables away from me. He looked like someone who Visser Three would choose as a host.

Not that I pay attention to his taste in men.

Hosts.

I meant hosts.

After a while, he picked up a human newspaper. From Canada. What a dapsen.

Twenty minutes passed and still the idiot didn't seem to get the hint. Six Yeerks came, asking me to dance. I turned each one down immedietly. Finally, a Yeerk with a fairly attractive host approached me. I supposed for a moment it could be Esplin, until I heard him talk. His voice was squeaky and high pitched.

"Wanna dance?" he questioned, flushing. Honestly, haven't these dapsens seen a female host before?

"Sorry, I can't," I replied. "See, I already have plans for tonight. With another guy. He hasn't shown up, yet... And besides, six other Yeerks have already asked before you."

_Plus eight more before Iniss_, I thought to myself.

The guy seemed like he was about to cry. Idiot fans... He then walked away, disappointed.

I shot a look at my watch. Then frowned.

"Twenty after six!" I exclaimed. "Where is that stupid blind date anyway! Iniss will pay for this!"

I noticed, with some satisfaction, the idiot's reaction. His mouth fell open in pure horror as he dropped his paper and his coffee.

I stalked over to him, stood in front of him, and squeezed his neck in my hands. It's more fun to play dumb and watch him squirm.

He shivered slightly.

"Who are _you_!" I yelled. "You better not be that blind date I've been waiting for for twenty minutes!"

"Eum..." he started.

See, I told you it's a load of fun.

"I'm WAITING!" I spat at him.

"I am..." He paused, obviously trying to conceal his identity from me. "I'm Eslin... eu... Six-Four-Nine."

"Eslin Six-Four-Nine?" I raised an eyebrow, smirking. Then, to his surprise, added: "That's the lamest one yet. You forgot the 'P' and the second six, _Esplin 9466_!"

I shuddered. He was wide-eyed. If this idea weren't so disgusting, I would have laughed at him.

"How did you—"

"Well, God," I spat, "why else would INISS, YOUR personal assistant, ask ME to go on a blind date with a guy if it wasn't you, you dapsen! Who'd he send? Himself?"

"I think he would have enjoyed it. And if it ever happens, tell him I'm not paying for the oatmeal bill." He mumbled. I wouldn't be all that surprised to see Iniss lying dead in the hallway tomorrow.

Plus, I could always yell at Esplin for leaving all that blood in the hallway.

I sat down in the nearest chair, really letting everything sink in. I, Visser One, was going on a date with him. Visser Three. The biggest dapsen of them all. Someone just kill me now.

"Oatmeal?" A waiter stood behind Visser Three, waiting expectantly.

"Sure," I said grimly. "I definitely need it."

He stared, wide-eyed, at me. I could almost hear his thoughts: "_Visser One, _ordering oatmeal! No way!"

"Me too," he said. "Double portion."

I stared at him intently. He smirked.

The waiter gave me a bowl, and two bowls to that pig. He started digging in on the oatmeal. It was disgusting.

He watched as I stood up from my chair and started. He fell into step beside me.

"Hey, hold on." Since the oatmeal was starting to take effect, I listened. "If you knew it was me, then why did you come?"

I shrugged. "Hey, it was either this or spend an evening giving a sermon to some bunch of mentally retarded low-ranks. They always question people... Definitely NOT the place for me. And besides, this was an event for Vissers, so I had to come."

_Plus, I wanted to see the look on your stupid face_, I added silently.

"Ah," he said.

After a moment, I saw two people I knew. _Oh, no_, I thought, _if they see me with him, I'll be the laughing stock of the entire Empire._

"Hey, I know those two, over there!" I commented. "Let's avoid them... I don't want them to find out who my unfortunate blind date is..."

"Oh yeah!" he exclaimed. He sounded offended. Not that it's my problem, of course.

I yanked him by the arm.

"Look! Someone's waving at you, you dreaming dapsen!"

"Oh!"

He looked to where I was pointing and obviously saw some guy signaling for him to go over there. He did, dragging me along for the ride, of course... and the guy smiled a bit stupidly. Probably on oatmeal, like the rest of us.

He leaned over and whispered in Visser Three's ear:

"_How _did you get _that _powerhouse?" As if I couldn't hear him. He would pay.

"House?" the idiot demanded, "What house?"

"Not a house, you incredible doaf, your date!" the guy exclaimed.

This guy! Oh for the Emperor's sake... This guy was _jealous _of him for having got me as a blind date! Not that I could blame him. I mean, really. Who wouldn't be jealous.

That they couldn't have me. Not that I had Visser Three. Pay attention!

"You find her attractive?" He asked stupidly.

"Well, hello! Look at her, at least! Man, you have to give me tips!"

"Eum... I didn't exactly try..."

He looked at me, my head leaned to one side, black hair flowing gently down my host's back. I had one hand on her waist, as a sign of annoyance, eyes glaring at him...

"Oh my God she _is _attractive!" he mumbled. I was about to say something, then realized what he said. He found me attractive? The oatmeal was obviously having a rather bad effect on him.

"See? Now go on and enjoy it while you can!" said the guy.

And with that, he pushed him back encouragingly, and we found ourselves back in the middle of a crowd of oatmealized dapsens...

The memory is too horrific for me to continue reliving at the moment. Maybe later. After I shower. A lot.

Edriss 562


End file.
